An economist and some students were walking on the campus and one of the students says, “There’s a twenty dollar bill on the ground.” The economist replies, “That’s impossible. If there were, someone would have picked it up already.”
Variation on joke:
Person #1: You know, they get health care in Canada that's just as good for less money.
Dr. Pangloss, the Doctrinaire Believer in Economics as Revealed by Someone or Another: That's impossible. If that were true, I'd have already moved to Canada.
"The problem with people who have no vices is that they tend to have some pretty annoying virtues." -- [paraphrased] Elizabeth Taylor
“What if this weren’t a hypothetical question?” -- Unknown
"It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it." - Upton Sinclair
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!" – Henny Youngman
There is nothing as permanent as a temporary fix.
A hostage to fate -- the first time I heard that phrase, I had no idea what it meant. Now I do. Fate could call me on the phone anytime and say, "I have your granddaughter," and I'd say, "I know you do," and Fate would say, "What would you do to get her back?" and I'd say, "Anything," and Fate would say, "It doesn't work that way." – Jon Carroll
[W]hat exactly is postmodernism, except modernism without the anxiety? – Jonathan Lethem
“Someone stole my identity and I feel sorry for him.” – T-Bone Burnett
“If you’re so poor, how come you’re not dumb?” – Merle Kessler
There are no atheists in foxholes; even atheists pray to the bombs overhead, that they may fall upon their fellows and not upon them.
I cried because I had no shoes, 'till I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'You got any shoes you're not using'? – Steven Wright.
"I cut my finger. That's tragedy. A man walks into an open sewer and dies. That's comedy." Mel Brooks
Worldly wisdom teaches that it is better for reputation to fail conventionally than to succeed unconventionally – J. M. Keynes
The plural of anecdote is conjecture. – B. Sano
A man’s reach must exceed his grasp, else what is “meta” for?
Two psychiatrists meet in a hall. One psychiatrist say to the other, “Hello.” The second psychiatrist thinks to himself, “Hmm. I wonder what he meant by that?” – old joke
"'Either way is fine with me' gets me though a lot of situations." Randee of the Redwoods (Jim Turner)
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." from Jingo by Terry Pratchett
“Versatility is a curse; one-dimensional people make all the money.” – Jonathan Winters
Half empty or half full depends on whether you’re drinking or pouring.
Tough love is always about the tough, never about the love.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, but the first nine hundred and ninety nine aren’t that big a deal.
If a lizard lays an egg that hatches a chicken, is it a lizard egg or a chicken egg?
It is unfair to ask someone to save the world before they have learned to save themselves.