Saturday, July 7, 2007

Patch 22

The lawsuit of the ACLU against warrantless wiretaps was dismissed in Federal Court yesterday. The ACLU could not prove that they were being subject to secret wiretaps that lacked warrants, so they did not have the standing to sue.

Patch 22 could take care of this problem. Patch 22 includes the capability of detecting all secret wiretaps on any telecommunications device, including cell phones, land lines, and semaphore. The device itself need not use the Patch 22 download, but the results are only available on a machine running Patch 22.

Patch 22 will run on all computing devices, including those running Windows, MacOS, Linux, AIX, Unix, DOS, and CPM. Patch 22 is available as a set of function calls in Forth. It contains a series of properties and methods available as identical objects in Java, C++, and Smalltalk. Patch 22 features a library for Fortran, Algol, PL-1, Pascal, Cobol, Simula, Snoball, Lisp, Dynamo, Ada, and Basic. Patch 22 allows disassembly to universal assembly language.

With Patch 22 you can square the circle, trisect the angle, and duplicate the cube. Patch 22 is subject to neither Russell's Paradox, nor Gödel's Proof. Patch 22 solves the halting problem and can find a solution to NP complete problems in linear time.

Patch 22 can crack any code, and create codes that cannot be broken. Patch 22 is not subject to the law of diminishing returns. Financial calculations done with the Patch 22 Portfolio Manager replace the Invisible hand with an Iron Fist.

Patch 22 can bring order from chaos and solve the turbulence problem. It can create branches of Government where none have previously existed. It can allow the simultaneous determination of position and momentum, even of virtual particles, quantum foam, and Vice Presidents.

Patch 22 allows the creation of alternate realities and the negation of prior facts without loss of verisimilitude or candor. Patch 22 makes previous statements inoperative. Patch 22 is new and improved, while it is also from an ancient tradition. Patch 22 is from an ancient tradition of new and improved products.

Patch 22 exists in the realm of Platonic Non-Contradiction. It is part of a large database of Platonic algorithms. Patch 22 contains the entire database of Platonic algorithms. But wait, there's more.

Patch 22 contains a physical and biological interface. Patch 22 can clean your kitchen floor, cook a meal, mind the kids, and cure cancer. Patch 22 can let you work while on vacation, and sleep while you are wide awake. Patch 22 can halt the aging process and kill every man, woman, and child on Earth.

Patch 22 can go faster than light. Patch 22 can achieve Absolute Zero. Patch 22 can accessorize.

Patch 22 can be downloaded via the Platonic Empiricizer. The Platonic Empiricizer is option 22 in the 22nd function library in Patch 22.


black dog barking said...

If only I could find a product that prevents both hair loss and crab grass. There's got to be a catch somewhere.

James Killus said...

Patch 23 will grow crab grass on your head.

Merle Kessler said...

This is great!
Merle Kessler